In Praise of My Depression

i set aside the pills
and settle,
like a leaf in a pond,
into the absence of color.

i am aware of the dangers,
and aware, too,
of the blessed relief 
of authentic being,
with all its
and quotidian terrors.

able at last to settle 
for who i am,
i discover that
it isn't so bad.

this scrim of suffering

is only that,
a scrim,
a veil,

a partition between
what one might wish 
and whatever may be.

Certain that we 
deserve better 
than to be separated
from our ideals,
we medicate our way
to a pale perfection, 
consisting of timidity
and troubled sleep.

evening by placid evening,
we become strangers to ourselves,
Lonely for something similar to a memory,
"liking" other lonelinesses

while the books
on the shelves.

i have been away from myself.
coming back from the long journey
into the second dimension,
i inhale 
into the gray
of a soft, perpetual grief --

and am grateful.

--Mr. Gobley


Richard Lawrence Cohen said...

You know what Robert Burton would say, don't you? He'd say, "DSM-IV 300.4, dysthymic disorder with atypical features." (Or is that me?)

More seriously, I don't know whether I agree with you or not about depression's being the authentic self (if I'm reading you right). I think the scrim metaphor is apt -- so isn't it more authentic to lift the veil?

karen said...

I knew you were listening-- even thinking i could hear you breathing. Wondering how all the words would affect your face in the mirror.


If you think this is you-- your self, w/out any make up or make believe- then i value your choice.


There is a groove that forms inside the brain-- and when the pebble of pain starts to move slowly-- so slowly- imperceptibly- How will you be able to stop the downward and familiar cycle of the deepened groove? How will you know? How will you be able to reach the pebble in time to prevent it from falling- into?

Brilliance is yours-- always has been from the time you picked up a pen-- thought a thought- spoke a word... & you doubt these things and i feel a lot like crying today-- have cried a lot today- and know deep w/in my being that you are you-- you are- regardless of...

I am ever-grateful for you. I read these beautiful words and am in awe, barely understanding- willing my mind to grasp at the edges of these words- struggling to hold them tight to my chest for their beauty- i know you know this much of me.

Please be of great care- i need you.

karen said...

It's raining today, but i'm smiling(a small smile)because the grass is green and growing.